WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
You Might Also Like
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms