Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
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I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Thanks to a fan for this one.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.