What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
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PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans