*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
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Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.