Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
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I drew y’all a little something.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
good let them take over I have had enough
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.