[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
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Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.