gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
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them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.