Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
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I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.