My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
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[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted