i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
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It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
This kid is going places
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
We avoided this particular disaster
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume