When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
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He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.