It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.