BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
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*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
adam and eve had first world problems
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
What if all the cashiers are married?
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
Yaba daba do not resuscitate