I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
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if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.