I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
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I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.