If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
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Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
is this a warning or an offer?
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
It be like that sometimes 😆
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Jogging
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?