Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
You Might Also Like
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better