guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
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Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Put a ring on it
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
The glory of fall.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The Backseat Boys