ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
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ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Thursday Thought.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.