Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
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*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
that lip filler tho
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks