A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
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Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
There is no try. There is only give up.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
NASA has no chill
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators