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Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
Well, shit
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??