Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
You Might Also Like
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes