HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
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How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
so, is there a mister shapen head
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
#catsoftwitter
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no