The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
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Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.