I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
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I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*