ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…