If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
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My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.