If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
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I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same