If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
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I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert