Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
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“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”