“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
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Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”