Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?