Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
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All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Doormats are a gateway rug.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process