A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
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I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂