I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
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My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
🥶🥶🐶🐶
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
“our sushi is very fresh”
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.