All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
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Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?