it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
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When you don’t understand how floors work
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Dead sexy!!
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.