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Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
the saddest jazz hands ever
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Kermit goes Blue.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Your honor these allegations are