The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
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My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.