My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
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I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.