Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
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If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Huge, if true.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids