[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
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every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Oh, I bet you would be
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap