“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
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Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!