When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
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Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
my dad has had enough
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?