Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.