*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
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Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.