Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
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Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Buck naked