Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Still my favorite headline of all time:
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I feel attacked.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
And bowling should be called pinball
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.