The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
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It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW